We believe life, short as it is, is not meant to be lived in extremes.
Balance is always healthy, and no less is it important than in marriage.
When we rely too much on routine, then over-familiarity and boredom set in and we begin to take our partners for granted. On the other hand, when the relationship is mainly characterised by adventure, the focus tends to move away from the relationship into activities and the “what’s next” mentality.
Couples in this extreme often lack planning, live for the moment, and tend to be driven by the thrill and risk more than building a relationship while pursuing the thrill.
However, a healthy marriage is one characterised by balance between routine and adventure.
It’s the couple that’s able to master the paradox of our natural need for security vs our other human need for curiosity that has increased chances of happiness in their marriage.
What encourages one extreme tends to discourage the other. We go into marriage seeking the secure attachment that’s built on reliability, stability, predictability, and safety in a partner. But those qualities are the opposite of what fuels romantic desire, which is generally characterised by mystery, novelty, unpredictability, even risk.
Importance of curiosity
Remember when you and your spouse were first dating? Every fact you gleaned about them was a groundbreaking event. You spent hours being curious and asking questions to get to know one another.
No piece of information was too small or insignificant. Sadly, as the years go by, curiosity about our spouses typically wanes. Why? Over time we reach a certain level of familiarity and end up believing, consciously or unconsciously, that we know everything there is to know about them.
We also get impatient with one another, cut each other up and even explode at the slightest brush.
Though this familiarity can foster comfort and security, it can also lead to boredom.
However, people change and gain new perspectives as they grow. Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it will strengthen your marriage. You need to maintain the mindset of a lifetime learner, being a student of your spouse.
This attitude would remind you of your spouse’s incredible value. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Thus, your heart is captured by what fascinates you. In turn, this sends a powerful message to your spouse: “You are valuable, and I want to spend a lifetime in the pursuit of knowing you deeply”.
Curiosity also speaks to the need for us to unravel life mysteries and satisfy the excitement of risky behaviour together.
Sometimes you need to be adventurous, on the edge, spontaneous, and just let it all hang loose.
And to do that together as a couple, would strengthen your relationship.
This is an important need to satisfy together as a couple, and not leave one partner figuring things out on their own. That could be very dangerous to the relationship.
Importance of routine
It’s also important to realise that building a long-lasting and committed relationship in marriage requires stability, as well as the sense of security that comes from predictability and routine.
Predictability brings rest. We don’t have to watch our back because we can rely on the faithfulness of our partners to cover our back.
We don’t have to be on guard. We don’t have to be scanning the horizon out of anxiety. We can take a deep breath, let down our guard, and be ourselves.
Predictability occurs because, “I know who you are, what you will do, and how you will react”.
You may not know all their opinions or ideas, but you can rest in your general understanding of your spouse and the marriage you have.
An unhealthy marriage does not have that luxury. Life is chaotic and so is the marriage. The only predictable aspect is the unpredictability. Your partner never knows how you will respond, what the next issue might be, if an event will bring laughter or disdain, or if they’ll be happy or mad.
Because of the unpredictability, the couple actually loses any sense of spontaneity.
It’s hard to be spontaneous with someone you don’t trust.
Routine is extremely useful to keeping our lives structured, purposeful and organised because routine establishes rhythm in the marriage.
Routine simplifies life by removing unnecessary decisions. For example, if one of our routines is to go on a date every Friday, then we don’t have to think about it or decide whether we will or won’t go on any given Friday.
There’s no decision to make, no deliberation or weighing up pros and cons — we just do it.
Routines in marriage also act as boundaries. For instance, if your friends asked that you go out with them on a Friday, you decline since that day is reserved for your spouse. You don’t commit to activities that clash with standing commitments with your spouse.
Like family rituals, routines have a positive emotional meaning. They connect us with deeper values and with others by providing a focus or activity that enables us to interact together in an enjoyable and meaningful way.
So, while there is a place in marriage for predictability and consistency, there is also a place for adventure — letting spontaneity and desire reign.
Satisfying curiosity with your spouse brings a feeling of being alive, alert and excited in the midst of the unknown.
Faithfulness, stability and reliability provide security, dependability and trustworthiness — key characteristics of a successful marriage.
However, novelty, adventure and risk also satisfy the need for our curiosity and unravelling the mysterious.
Scratching an itch you’ve always had together with your spouse, or in their company, elevates your marriage to new levels of relationship satisfaction and intimacy.
Both extremes — not one or the other — are a by-product of marital happiness.