It’s normal for many marriages that, in expressing sharp disagreements, couples end up deteriorating the conflict to painful verbal exchanges.
The pain left by spoken words during these exchanges often digs deeper holes that have the ability to sink the entire relationship six feet under.
However, our main point today seeks to highlight the aftermath of conflict resolution, especially the mistakes couples make in that mopping up process.
There are a lot of ways couples try to mop up after an argument. Some it’s an apology; with others extending their remorse to bribery; some it’s makeup sex, or several days of deep-freeze during which no-one talks until it somehow gradually defrosts, but nothing more is said as things go back to “normal.”
Conflict is inevitable in marriage and can create damage or discovery. We determine which it will be by our choices in the moment. Discovery means learning new ideas, approaches and solutions if we fight together for our marriage.
It also involves accepting your partner as different to you, and valuing the difference they bring to the table to enhance the quality of the relationship.
How you act in the aftermath of a conflict is as important to your marriage as your behaviour during the conflict. There are common mistakes we have observed couples make after the conflict, which may well prolong the conflict.
Failing to break the awkward silence after the fight
There’s usually an awkward silence that surfaces just after you’ve had a heated exchange with your spouse, where your pride still prevails such that both of you refuse to humble yourselves.
It’s not that you’re mad at each other per se, as you’ve already ventilated your major feelings. But you somewhat feel disconnected as you’re still hanging on to what you and or your partner said, and importantly, how it was said. As a result, your pride won’t allow you to be the first to make eye contact, to say something nice — to interrupt the awkward silence.
It can be quite frustrating. The argument is over, so why is it so difficult to move on? In submitting yourselves to this state of post-argument awkwardness, you are prolonging the negativity and giving each other short answers, when you could be enjoying your marriage.
Never allow the post-conflict awkward silence to last long. Develop a habit to break it immediately after you have healthily dealt with the issue — whether you have resolved it or not. Tame your ego, swallow your pride and take the initiative to bring your marriage back to normalcy as quickly as possible.
Waiting for your spouse to initiate the repair process
You’ve had the conflict, and have ventilated your thoughts and feelings in a heated argument. In the process, at the slip of the tongue, you’ve said some things to one another that you wouldn’t be proud to repeat verbatim. Now what?
The difference between healthy and unhealthy marriages is not that healthy couples don’t make mistakes. We all do. But healthy couples repair. And it’s how couples repair that separates healthy from unhealthy marriages.
Repair is any statement or action that attempts to prevent negativity from escalating out of control. All couples naturally make many attempts to repair their interaction when it goes
negative. In happier relationships, this repair work is done before the interaction becomes negative as a way of keeping things on track emotionally.
No matter how careful you are, you will inevitably rupture the bond in your relationship. Even in a good marriage, some couples do:
- have ugly screaming matches sometimes;
- say mean things to one another from time to time often at the slip of a tongue;
- get critical and defensive at times; and
- even engage in stonewalling every now and then.
They do all the same things unhealthy couples do, but at some point they have a conversation where they recover from it. The difference between the “masters” and the “disasters” of relationships is the former repair their interactions effectively.
These couples are willing to admit responsibility for their part in the conflict so they can begin the process of healing their bond. They realise their relationship is more important than the problem, and even themselves as individuals.
The goal of repair is to understand what went wrong, and how to make your next conversation more constructive.
Mocking a dignified exit
How a conflict ends is crucial. Recognise when an olive branch is being extended to you — perhaps in the form of an apology or a joke.
And gracefully extend to your partner a face-saving way out of the conflict.
The last words in closing the disagreement are absolutely crucial to cement the security of your partner in the relationship and confidence in you going forward.
Taking an “I’m sorry” as enough
There’s nothing as refreshing as a sincere and heartfelt apology by someone that did you wrong. It makes everything so easy, and starts you on your healing journey so much quicker.
An apology helps repair marriages by getting people talking again, and makes them feel comfortable with each other again. A sincere apology allows you to let your spouse know you're not proud of what you did.
However, a full apology goes far beyond an “I’m sorry” to a changed behaviour.
When an “I'm sorry” is not underscored by requisite change in behaviour, it loses meaning. We don't just fix with words what we broke with actions. Actually, a corresponding action is often necessary to undo the damage done in words. Don’t just say you're sorry, show it by changed behaviour.