Nobody chooses to ponder or dwell on the subject of death, whether it be your own or that of a loved one, even though this bus is coming for all of us one way or another.
Talking openly about death is frankly uncomfortable and something I guess most of us choose not to do.
When somebody dies, most of us skirt around the edges of it all, unsure of what to say to the bereaved person, unsure of how to help, unsure even of how to process our own feelings.
This is where Athane Scholtz in her book, Peace In Grief grabs the bull by the horns and tackles the subject of dying from every angle.
This brave and inspirational book was written by Scholtz after her husband, Desmond, died of Covid-19 during the height of the pandemic on July 17 2021.
Scholtz is a George-based journalist, former editor of SOUTH Magazine, and well-known in the media world.
She was also the Garden Route correspondent for The Herald.
At the time Desmond died, she was the municipal spokesperson for the George municipality.
She and Des were also the perfect media couple — Athane the words and Des the photography.
In their time together they also worked at the Nelson Mandela University George Campus.
They had been married for 20 years and have two children, Emma and Nathan, who were in grade 8 and matric at the time of his death.
Scholtz’s way of dealing with the loss of her beloved Des was to write a book that would comfort and help others faced with grief.
And since her book was published this year, she has been interviewed by national TV and other media organisations, while the book is available on Amazon, Takealot and Kindle.
Clearly people are reading her book as those who have hard copies want them signed.
I came to sit with her at a coffee shop in Sedgefield and listen to her story told in a calm and practical way and she gave me a book.
I took it home and shuffled it (well sort of hid it) for a few days in different rooms and spaces before I had the courage to actually read it and even then, there were times when I thought of packing it in ... not because it isn’t well-written and compelling, because it’s just so visceral.
She describes the roller-coaster journey from the time their family got Covid-19 and Desmond was admitted to hospital for two weeks before his subsequent death in the intensive care unit (ICU).
Her words will resonate intimately with people who lost loved-ones to Covid-19 because these were surreal and just terrible times that only those who walked them will ever really understand.
Scholtz describes how there was a shortage of ventilators, no space in the intensive care unit, how at the hospital she wore protective gear.
“For obvious reasons, everything and everyone that hadn’t been sanitised from tip to toe in hospital were being treated as contagious.
“In real terms it meant that everything that Desmond owned, from reading glasses to underwear, were put in a black refuse bag and handed over to me.”
The ICU unit of a hospital during the pandemic felt like a “homemade science fiction movie with sheets of plastic creating artificial walls to isolate patients,” writes Scholtz.
Like other Covid-19 patients’ families, she was not able to visit him and so a daily phone call to the nurses of the ICU unit was the only way of knowing how he was.
On July 7 2021, four days after he went into ICU and 10 days before he died, she started writing blogs and posts about what was happening in two WhatsApp groups — one to update family and close friends, the other more of a broadcast chat for people who cared.
Already the foundation for a book was being built, though she didn’t know that at the time.
Scholtz talks about the moment when she was gardening and that dreaded phone call came.
“I realised this could happen, but it still took my breath away,” she said.
The doctor told her that if she was willing to wear full protective gear she could come and sit with him in what would probably be his last hour.
“I sat on the bed, took his hand and prayed that God would help us through the last bit,” she said, grateful that she could be with him at the end.
Scholtz then goes on to describe in her book how from the moment he died, “everything switched gear ... into the brutal and bizarre business of death”.
The book is an honest account of how the sudden death of a loved one feels, the wide-ranging impacts of trauma on her and her teenage children, how she felt throughout the process.
The takeaway for readers is the “peace beyond understanding” she found in her Christian faith that sustained her throughout the process.
Not only will those who have suffered the loss of a loved one derive immense comfort from her words, but she also offers invaluable advice to those wanting to support them.
“If friends offer to make food, then take them up on the offer for as long as possible,” Scholtz said, explaining how helpful the meals were in the days to come while the family were processing Desmond’s death.
The last thing a freshly bereaved person can do is manage a grocery shop, let alone cooking the meal.
Scholtz says the book is meant to assure the grieving that the strange myriad effects they experience is normal.
“Desmond died of the very aggressive Delta strain of the virus, which had claimed many relatively young and healthy individuals.
“There were so many people dying at the time of Covid-19 ... I spoke to many people about the disorientating effects of loss.
“I realised people were finding it difficult to put into words the muddle of emotions and experiences after the death of a loved one.
“Most were afraid to be too honest to their friends and families about the implications as to not shock, offend, burden or concern them.
“So, I decided to be honest and vulnerable about my own experiences in the hope that it would help as many people as possible affected by loss.
“I also included advice from others who have lost loved ones,” she said.
Though her approach in the book is written from a Christian point of view, the book is in no way condemning to non-believers.
I will be honest here and say if I had been an atheist and I had read the way Scholtz’s faith in God helped her through every step of this journey, I may well have changed my mind ... in a hurry.
It’s comforting the way she has ordered the chapters and the sequence of her story from Waiting and Not Knowing — 14 days in ICU, to It Finally Happened to other chapters; The Day After, Madness in the Middle — between death and the ceremony; All Encompassing Grief — body, mind, spirit and emotion to Life Goes On — Re-entering the World changed, Moving Forward, Widow and a New Relationship Status, Ashes to Ashes — Scattering the Ashes to a chapter called Grace in the Pace which is about surviving the milestones (like birthdays and holidays) without your loved person.
There is even a chapter called Preparing for the Storm — things you can do now to help you cope later, to a section on Helping the Grieving — things you can do to help the bereaved.
Having digested this book, I will for sure know better in future how to support bereaved friends, how to just listen, be there, understand how important meals are, offer invitations for special days and holidays, offer help with practical stuff like transport for children.
And should I become bereaved, I would literally cling to this book as a friend — and I would definitely feel God’s hand and grace in Scholtz’s words.
She presents encouraging talks about the grief experience and is now developing a two-day Peace in Grief workshop for people wanting to take the first steps towards healing and a new life.
“I believe there is a bigger plan for our lives and that moving forward is important.
“It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t mourn, but it should be a season, not an identity.”
She continues to run a media and communications business from home and is a regular contributor to blogs and other media — a seasoned journalist who can write about anything.
Her public speaking engagements include topics around personal and corporate communication, womanhood, grief and Bible-based faith.
Go to www.peacethroughthevalley.com to source a book or read more.